So you wanna have a baby...Here's a little FAQ to help you out!
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A: With any luck, right after he finishes college. Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu? A: If it's the flu, you'll get better. Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving? A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant. Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex? A: Childbirth. Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why? A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are. Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational. A: So what's your question? Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model? A: Nothing (if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him). Q: How long is the average woman in labor? A: Whatever she says divided by two. Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right? A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current. Q: When is the best time to get an epidural? A: Right after you find out you're pregnant. Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor? A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you. Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth? A: Yes, pregnancy. Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth? A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse. Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing? A: When you see teeth marks. Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife beginto feel and act normal again? A: When the kids are in college. SCORE 0-4 You are made for childrearing! Give up your day job and mind the neighborhood kids as well, just for fun! 5-9 You are demonstrating definite signs of the so called "nesting instinct". You may even be starting to look positively homely and be wearing fluffy slippers. 10-14 You are relatively normal, but may be entering the danger zone of cluckiness. Snap out of it before it's too late. Spend some time at a day care center for a reality check. 15-17 Congratulations! You have both feet firmly on the ground and are well aware of the dangerous pitfalls of childrearing!